Naughty Thoughts
by Anonymous Santa
Summary: James overhears a conversation between Lily and Remus. Rated T for some suggestions.


**[A/N]: EDITED. Do you know how horrendous this was before I proofread it? Yes, I am editing all my works, but I am first going to start out with my Harry Potter one-shots. **

"_Moony has a girlfriend!_"

James was driven out of his Potion's essay with a jerk. His quill slipped out of his hands, splattering small droplets of ink onto his parchment. He cursed silently as he drew it slowly away from his face to have a better view. Well, so much for getting extra points for neatness. He then turned to the perpetrator who was grinning mischievously from ear to ear.

The bespectacled boy sighed, pushing up his glasses higher up his nose, "Did you say something, Padfoot?" James rolled up his essay and leaned back on the tattered sofa of the Gryffindor common room.

Looking positively delighted to be given attention, Sirius winked at his friend, before shrugging his shoulders casually, as he plopped down next to him, and draped an arm over the back of the couch, "Never would have thought," he continued dramatically.

"Never would have thought _what_?" James gritted his teeth in annoyance.

"I never would have thought that he would have it in him," Sirius explained patiently.

"Never would have thought that _who_ would have it in him?" The sixth year was already out of patience, it would seem.

"Merlin Prongs, don't you pay attention?"

"Not to you. Half the things that come out of your mouth don't have a lick of sense."

"I was talking about Moony having a _lady_ friend."

James stared at him.

"You're joking, right? That's impossible."

"Ah, but my friend," Sirius's grin widened, before he declared grandly, "It _is_ possible! Just take a look at this-"

The dog animagus fumbled with his robe pockets for a moment, before he drew out a rather familiar looking map. James frowned deeply, knowing that this could not lead to anything good. Sirius drew his attention over to where Gryffindor dormitories were, "Now, Prongsie, would you please direct your eyes over to our room?"

Shooting him a warning look for the nickname, James scanned the map, until his gaze landed onto the small square with 'home base' etched upon the paper, "… So? I don't see—"

He froze.

"Finally caught on, have you?" Sirius smirked. James snatched the Marauders' map from Sirius's hands and brought it closer to his face, scrunching up his eyes, "Do you see who he's with? I can guarantee you it's not Wormtail. The little bugger's stuck in detention again." His face split into a scary smile, "So if you and I are both down here in the common room, who is poor old Remmy chumming up with in the dorms, hmm?"

The expression on James's face was of pure disbelief, "Merlin… _Merlin._" He laid down the map onto the worn out coffee table, "He's in there with _Evans_?" Too true. Lily Evan's name was scrawled upon the map, right next to Remus Lupin's. However, the incriminating part about the sight was that their names were written undeniably close. Also, there was that fact that Lily was in the boy's dormitory. He faced Sirius with a menacing glare, his eyes accusing, "What's going on Sirius? What stunt are you trying to pull?"

He blanched when he saw Remus's mark move slowly towards the bed.

Sirius merely shrugged his shoulders once more, his face angelic, "Hey, don't blame me, mate. Blame Moony."

"I can't believe this…" James just could not grasp that Remus was alone in a room with a _girl_—let alone Evans. This was _Remus Lupin_. This was too hard to believe. That boy would _never_ be in a room with anybody of the female species—and especially not in his _bed_. No one would ever be in Remus's bed. Well, apart from Remus of course, "How could he do this?"

Sirius patted him on the back, "Well, you know what they say. It's always the quiet ones."

"He knows I like her…"

"Prongs, the whole school knows."

James paused for a moment, looking slightly appalled, "What? But… but I never told anyone. Unless..." he glared at Sirius.

"Mate, I never told anyone. You kind of ask her out practically every day. Even Peter could figure out that much."

"But…" James sputtered angrily, "That doesn't give him the right to do this to me! I can't believe..."

Sirius threw his arm around the boy's shoulders, "Well, why don't you find out for yourself? Go check on them, I mean," He grinned mischievously, "They could be rolling around, doing _who knows what_…"

"Pads, don't you dare try to put nasty images in my brain."

"Oh, come of it Prongs, it's not like you don't have dreams like that as well."

Red exploded from James's neck and onto his cheeks, "Sh-shut up! Anyway, I'm going to spy on them."

"I'm coming then," Sirius chortled and seemed to find the whole thing amusing, "We might find something _interesting_." James decided that he did not like how ominous that sounded. They both made their way up the stairs towards the boys' dormitory. Once having reached the top of the steps, James eyed the door that led to their room. He shared glance with Sirius, before he crept up to it and pressed his ear onto the wood.

"Lupin, you have no stamina whatsoever." They heard Lily berating him, "Get up from the bed and get over here. We're not finished yet." James jabbed his elbow hard onto a giggling Sirius's rib cage. That certainly ("_Ow! What in Merlin, Prongs?_") shut him up.

"But… Evans…" Remus protested, sounding breathless, "We've been going at it for hours. It's too hard."

"Come on Lupin, it's not that hard!" There was a sigh from inside, and they heard footsteps. That must have been Remus approaching Lily, "Besides, you have to thrust it, not jab it!" James's eyes widened in horror, "Now, try it!" They were… they were really doing it!

_Merlin's neon underpants. _

"Okay, fine." Remus replied. James's jaw dropped. He just agreed? Just like that? He sent a glare down at Sirius who was doing a very bad job at containing his laughter.

"_Shut up!_" James hissed, "_I'm trying to listen!_"

"That's wrong! You jabbed it again!"

Remus sounded frustrated, "Fine, if you can do it better, then you do it!"

"Fine... there!"

"Pfft…"

"What are you laughing at, Lupin?"

"You look funny doing that."

"Hey! It's not my fault mine is longer than yours!"

"... Are you saying just because _mine_ is shorter that I can't do it _at all_?"

"This has nothing to do about the length Lupin! It's about the strength in the thrust!" _Merlin!_ "Stop jabbing it!"

"_What is the bloody difference between a jab and a thrust?_"

"Plenty, Lupin, plenty."

"... Why am I doing this with you again, Evans?"

"Well, to be quite frank, because you're crud at it."

"Sirius sucks at it too, you know." There was an unappreciative grunt from beside James.

"Fine, once I'm done, I can deal with Black." Um… _what?_ "For now, focus!"

"This is so complicated... Fine, let me try again. I think I got it now."

"Good! Let me see you do it – here, try it on me."

"Okay, prepare yourself Evans... _ha!_"

"... Merlin!"

"Ah! Did I hurt you?"

"No! You idiot! You completely _missed me_! For a straight 'O' student, you really _are_ bad at this! The other guy did a better job at it!"

"How many people are you teaching?"

"About twenty," James's eyes widened, "give or take a few."

"I just don't get you…"

"Do it again!"

"Yes..."

"Grip it tighter! You see what happened? Your grip was so weak!"

"Fine, fine! Again then!" Remus sounded exasperated.

Before it could have gone longer, James seized the door handle and roughly threw it open. It slammed onto the wall behind it with a bang, starling both occupants. James stood by the open door frame, breathing hard, face flushed, and mouth ready to scream at what, he expected would be, the indecent things Remus and Evans were doing.

However, what was in front of him was not the erotic position he was expecting. Remus and Evans were fully clothed, and were standing about a meter away from each other, wands out.

"What?" James looked from Remus to Evans-both of them having raised brows.

"… Potter? Why'd you barge in like that?" Lily asked uncertainly, before she rounded on Remus, "I thought you said this would be a private lesson and that no one would disturb us!"

"T-That was…" James stuttered, before he blurted, "What the hell are you both doing?"

"The charms teacher told me to help Lupin with this one spell—and _Merlin_, he sucks at it." Lily answered evenly. She gave a sigh, "He keeps jabbing the wand! He needs to learn to thrust it!"

Remus scrutinized James's face, "Hey… why are you red in the face?" Bewildered, Remus scratched his head, until he caught sight of Sirius behind the frozen teen, "Sirius, I thought I told you to keep everyone out for now. Didn't I say I was having a private lesson and didn't want interruptions?" He shook his head, pocketing his wand, "Merlin, you can't even follow the simplest of instructions…"

"I could say the same for you, Lupin," Lily said harshly, already heading for the exit, "We'll continue this tomorrow. For now, just practice the thrust. I have other students I have to teach." She glanced at James who was still rooted on the spot, "Close your mouth Potter, you're attracting flies." And with that, she vanished out the door.

Remus was already changing into his pajamas when he saw James was still there, "Are you alright?"

"Erm..."

From behind James, Sirius was laughing so hard, tears were streaming out of his eyes, "You should have seen – oh Merlin – the face! The face was priceless – oh god... _the face_-"

"...You knew about this? You knew they were just practicing?"

"Yup!" Sirius grinned, "Pretty _interesting_ right?" James gave a frustrated cry.

"DAMN YOU SIRIUS BLACK!"

**[A/N]: Oh the horrors of Sirius Black. Poor James Potter needs to learn how conniving that little devil is.**


End file.
